--
_{The terror held in wedding bells
The comfort in there's no one else
The truth be told I'm never gonna know}

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_{"It tastes like soap but it doesn't really taste like soap
And then i lower in my whole mouth and take a gulp
...and start to feel mortality surround me" - regina spektor}

to you too

--
_{The terror held in wedding bells
The comfort in there's no one else
The truth be told I'm never gonna know}

Critique via

The concept of something which is greater than humankind and yet comforting to us is an interesting and even profound one. As a base for your poem, it will bear extension by the reader, whether starlight is considered analogous to God, the forces of nature, the universe or simply itself. Comfort and acceptance are, of course, concepts to which we can all relate. I think the poem has a good message with enough components that the reader can be led through several levels of understanding.

I do think, though, that the syntactic/grammatical structure of the poem is less conducive to understanding. Grammar is like the string that holds beads together in a necklace. You have pretty beads here, but if we look at them to closely they're scattered everywhere. I strongly recommend sticking fairly closely to the normal rules of grammar, even in poetry. (Although some poets, like ee cummings, don't do this, it's because they've substituted another set of rules for normal grammar. Most of us won't manage that.)

Specifically, there are two confusing grammatical issues. One is in the second stanza: 'light up the dark chasm / of thick night that engulfs me' can be interpreted as an instruction to the stars or as a statement of what the speaker is watching. I suspect that you mean the latter. You could mae that clearer by following normal syntax and moving 'in awe' later. I know this will confuse the rhythm of the poem – the irregular placement would be fine if it wasn't for the ambiguity. As it is, you may at least want to reconsider the line.

In the third stanza, all the phrases seem to stem from 'I', which is a sound construct, except that the penultimate phrase is 'you listen'. 'I you listen'? Maybe not. I'm not sure if the phrase is misplaced or if I've misinterpreted your construction of the stanza, but either way, I think it could use some clarification.

Although the meter of the poem isn't regular, it doesn't seem inconsistent: the poem reads well. The only line I would criticise in this regard is 'Magical and true, so comforting'. This line feels too long. I think the blandness of 'and' might contribute to this impression: a word like 'but' or 'yet' might add more meaning to the poem. I'm also not sure why this line doesn't end with a full stop (period).

This poem touches on several excellent themes. In itself, that's great. I would be a little wary of writing with too much breadth and not enough depth, though. For example, the possessiveness of the 'my' in the title and at the end of each stanza is hardly touched on elsewhere. This is not necessarily wrong. It gives plenty of food for thought, but sometimes it is helpful to direct the reader either by writing more or by being more concise.

I think one of the greatest strengths of the poem is the way it deals with the senses. You convey the feeling of standing outside on a cool night well; as a metaphor for loneliness and unhappiness the impressions given are also very effective.

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<sub>#Writers-Workshop -:- #Critique-It

I want a spirit like the wind.</sub>

_{Thank you. That was very helpful, An excellent critique. (gets to work)}

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_{"It tastes like soap but it doesn't really taste like soap
And then i lower in my whole mouth and take a gulp
...and start to feel mortality surround me" - regina spektor}

I'm glad it helped.

--
<sub>#Writers-Workshop -:- #Critique-It

I want a spirit like the wind.</sub>